My spirituality/belief system is yet again in question. I guess it's okay. I guess there isn't anything wrong with yet again wondering 'Wha?' as far as spirituality/religion go. Call it anxiety, call it being cooped up in the house too much, call it lonliness (not having anyone to talk to, socialize with)..I've been thinking of death lately. My death. No one knows..I'd scare the shit out of them all. There's been alot of fires and buildings blowing up or exploding..whatever..and I dunno. I just have to wonder..what if? Okay so anyways, I'm kinda getting off topic, but not really. For a number of years now..definitely since the ending of marriage #1 where my faith and belief in anything was absolutely non existent...I've
This is where the question comes in.
Is this just a cop out? Is this just laying down and playing dead so to speak? Is this giving up complete and total control over every aspect of my life? Of my being? It's definitely putting someone else in the driver's seat. But who? Is it God? A Goddess? A tree? The Earth? Some Donald Trump like dude sitting waaaaaaay up high in some office building looking down..pressing buttons on some sort of control board..laughing maniacally with each press? In the example of the man walking in the Mickey D's. Does this mean I should just stand there in a "Here I am" pose and see if he shoots..and his gun jams up? Or should I still try and hide, escape..call/text for help somehow? After all, the second option would be me possibly going against the whole if it's meant to be type thing. Or does it? Another question just popped in there. If it's truly meant to be for me to get shot..then no amount of hiding or trying to escape is gonna help me. But then again, does that mean I shouldn't try? Whoa.. I'm getting lost here. Back to trying my original point. Let's see.. And even with the tornado. It would be silly of me to walk outside and 'dare' the tornado.
Gosh, this would have sounded so much better last night. More clearer maybe. I feel like I don't have any room to breathe lately. It's getting pretty brutal. I'm gonna have to have a talk with R. Let him know ... well, things. Okay, sorry, I needed a break. Break's over..
A big part of me wonders if my whole 'what happens happens' attitude is another way of me 'excusing' myself of any wrong doing...or neglect. I chase my dog out into the street not looking or paying attention to what's coming, get hit with a car and end up with a broken leg...maybe in some sick way that would permit me not to have to say 'I got stupid, I didn't look before going into the street'. Instead, I can say 'well, I haven't had any broken bones my whole life, it was time'. Or well, not that exactly but something along the lines of .. well, something that would 'excuse' me from being stupid. Cause, ya know, heaven forbid I get stupid every now and then! Yeah..don't ask. Maybe I still want to be mad at God? Maybe I still blame Him? Maybe I want to continue blaming Him? Therefore..when something does happen, whatever it is...I can~blame him? I thought I was over all that but..maybe I'm not?
So then..how do I get over all that? If I'm not, I want to. I want to be 'in love' with God..or any Higher Power/Being for that matter. I want to know that no matter what, this ..... Spirit?.. this, Being..this, wisp of wind has got my back. And I want to have His/Her/It's back. 100% totally and completely! At this point though, I just don't exactly know who/what It/He/She is. It's just that recently.. well, okay, I know a Higher Up is in charge..and listening. I know especially when a week ago I asked for my 'eyes to be open so I can see what really is' and the very next morning..it started. Not only was I 'seeing through' R's bullshit, but colors were soooo bright and vivid. Green was actually green. Brown was brown. Blue, Red, ...clouds were actually fluffy (or wispy). Surroundings were and are just looking much more...*sigh*..not sure the word I'm looking for. Going along with that whole thought...it's also like..well, I guess I've been going through life pretty blinded for what I can only guess has been years. I say that because I can look at something so simple. So ordinary..and yet think to myself 'Wow!! That's a *bird*!!' or a tree or ....... whatever. We're not talking special birds or trees. Just a bird. Just a tree. Just a leaf even.
Okay, this is getting a bit long, and it's getting a bit..well..I have lost all sense of direction now. I guess the question is.. is the mentality of what is meant to be will be somehow me giving myself permission to just let what ever happens happens? And is that not allowing me the chance to *make* something happen? Good or bad? If it turns out bad..then I will have no responsibility for it. It was 'meant to be' after all.. On the flipside of that coin..that doesn't get me from being responsible, does it? I mean, I was responsible for sitting on my ass and letting it happen..right?
*Sigh*
So many questions. So much confusion. And I'm getting a headache. And it's past my bedtime.
