While on hold...

*Sigh* Crappy music. Anyways..things I must get done today.

Dishes
Laundry-mainly, towels
Put away laundry that's sitting in baskets
Sheets on bed(s)-this I decided to wait till tomorrow after cleaning mattress
Call to discontinue/cancel the following:
Nat. Trip
SaverCity
Surplus supplier
Shopper Select

The above are the most important. After that all is done here's what I'd like to get done:

RR's-mainly, the bathrooms
Vacuum
Zone work-may not necessarily be cleaning trash can but will be something
Read!

Done:
Zoloft
Daily Vitamin
Shoes on
Potty
Hair
Chapstick
Breakfast
Clothes transferred from washer to dryer
Clothes in dryer delivered to P's room
Clothes delivered to B's room
RR the kitchen

Okay, will come back and add more if needed, will cross off what's been done. I think this is a pretty good list for the day however. Now to just keep up with this.

My thoughts on current events

OJ Simpson. He was found guity of kidnapping and robbery charges as of Saturday morning.

Starting 13 yrs ago, I only seemed to have one thought of OJ. Guilty! Guilty, guilty, guilty! Why did I feel that way? Well, it appeared he was a wife beater and in my eyes, any man you can beat his wife sure as hell can kill her. Easily. I mean, my ex could have killed me numerous times. He came really close a couple of times. But anyways.. That was then-and up till about ... well, this morning-and this is now.

Now that there is a guilty verdict... Hmm.. Well, let's see. I believe it was incredibly stupid doing what he did how he did it. He should be found guilty for *this* crime. Alot are saying he was found guilty however of a crime 13 yrs ago. Was he? Maybe. I can't say. I can honestly say 13 yrs ago is 13 yrs ago. He was found innocent, whether we liked it or not. I didn't. The book? Bad taste. Stupid. However, who is to say that without a doubt that is in itself an admission of guilt? Maybe it's not. Maybe in some deep part of OJ there was a want to become a writer. Maybe there was in him an imagination that would put even the best crime writers to shame. Maybe.. it is an admission of guilt. Maybe it is an in your face "Ha Ha!" I guess only OJ knows. And up until this morning, I didn't see it that way. I saw it as *I* knew. It was undeniably an admission of guilt. But was it? That's my thought process now. I haven't read the book, I don't plan on it. Today. I might plan on reading it tomorrow. No tellin'.

Saturday morning, upon hearing the guilty verdict, I did yell out a "hooray!" however..why? It was because to me, he was found guilty of 13 yrs ago. I know, I know, not fair. And it's not. I'll admit that. It's not even really that I saw it as him being found guilty now of something that happened 13 yrs ago. It was more along the lines of 'finally, he's getting punished for something. He's not getting away with everything. For awhile it was as if he was doing his thing, wrong included, and not getting punished for it. This time, he went barging into a hotel room with 5 other people, 2 with guns to 'steal'? back stuff that was 'stolen'? from him? That in itself raises questions for me but that might have to be another time. As for the Goldman's..I just feel the need to hug them. They lost a brother. A son. They believe (wrong or right) that OJ was responsible for it and due to that belief, they have been on him like stink on poop. I would think they can now breathe a sigh of relief. Kind of a 'it's over' type thing, a 'we can stop to breathe' thing. Then again, can they? Are they? Is it for them? Would it be for me? I don't know. I believe I would feel a sense of ... being able to relax. No, it wouldn't bring my loved one back. But I would have a sense of being able to relax.

So, in closing, he's guilty. As he should be. For this crime. Nothing else. What am I trying to say in this ramble? What is my point with all of this? Whose side am I on? I don't have any answers. Not all my thoughts are clear and necessarily have a point to them that I (or anyone else) can figure out. It's just me and how I am. Love me or leave me.

Write about things forgotten...

The smartass in me says things that are forgotten can't be written (or in this case typed) about because they are forgotten. But let's be serious here..

Things forgotten:
1. My going to college. I wouldn't say this one is forgotten..it just hasn't happened and I do have to admit, it's losing steam. I still want to, but the 'want' is getting dimmer and dimmer. Maybe it's cause I feel i'm getting too old. But then, that means i've been full of it each time i've told anyone else 'You're never too old'.

2. Certain friendships. Again, not necessarily forgotten. Well, okay..may be. May be they just haven't been nurtured. With that said, it's possible i've been a hermit for long enough that I have forgotten how to nurture them? It's possible..

3. Social skills I might have had once upon a time. I guess that is something that can happen once a person has faded off into a corner for a good amount of time.

4. Mind just went blank. I'm tired, it's late..maybe i'll come back to this. Maybe not.

D

9 A.M.

The appointment was for 9 AM. Okay.. Too early for me but fine. Definitely too early for me to deal with him but okay. Part of me was hoping he wouldn't show up. I am usually okay when it comes to dealing with him. This time was different though. I felt..vulnerable? No.. I don't think that was what that was. Honestly I think it goes along with the whole I want to matter feeling I've had lately. Even to him I suppose I want to be someone . Hell, some *thing* would work just fine. Not just to him, to anyone, someone. But anyways..I digress (must look up that word). I didn't want today to end up with him signing a piece of paper saying I didn't matter..that I never mattered. And worse, that his kids didn't/don't matter. That would suck. Royally. So anyways... There was a change in destinations and I knew he wasn't notified of the change, so there was a chance.. maybe a small chance, but a chance.. he wouldn't show up. That would work in my favor. Okay so call me vindictive. Moving on.. He finally showed around 9:30. At 11:30 we still hadn't been called back. 12:30, the suit came out announcing the judge was breaking for lunch, everyone come back at 2. There was a plethora of moans as everyone got up to go get lunch, go potty, go grab some sex..whatever. Me and hubby..we just opted for lunch. Neither one of us had eaten very much and were starved. Nothing special, just BK. But boy was it yummy! Okay so not much else happens with in that time. We just eat, hang out, then load back up headed back. We get there and everyone had returned..except him. But wait..oh shoot, there he is. Darn it. 2:25 comes and goes..2:45...3:15... 3:16 we get called back. Finally! After hearing about who was left, who showed, who didn't, who would win, who lost, how they were hungry again, etc. we got down to business. All worked out in my favor I suppose you could say. My only complaint would be that it wasn't nearly as painful for him as it should have been. He got off pretty easy I think. And he won't appreciate it, he won't realize it, he'll still think some evil injustice is happening to him. Let him.. Anyways, his current wife is there and she gets told the 'verdict'.. she kinda breathes a sigh of relief (like I stated, not nearly as painful as it shoulda been), and leaned in the truck where I was sitting and then.. "So, was it really worth it?" followed by a laugh. I guess what she is not wanting to acknowledge is..it's not me doing it. Yes he has a responsibility and I firmly believe he needs to be responsible for that but I didn't drag him back to court. Okay so he missed a day of work..prolly some plan of hers got screwed up because of it. But their day wasn't the only one messed up. He wasn't the only one who was 'dragged' in there. I was too. I didn't ask for this, I didn't request this. It was completely out of my control. However, it wasn't out of his control. She also isn't acknowledging the possibility of if he'd been doing what he was supposed to be doing, then it wouldn't have happened. There would be no question of 'why aren't you..?' Oh well.. Yeah, I wanted to deck her. I should have. Followed by "Ya know? I think it was worth it. Absolutely!" Anyways, I'm tired, I hurt..so I'm signing off for the night.

D.

Oh yeah?? Well your eyeballs stink!!!

This is what I awoke too yesterday morning. Lil Bit and Too Tall were fighting (again) and this is what LB shared (loudly) with TT.. His eyeballs stink. Needless to say, it has become the phrase around here. It probably shouldn't be a phrase we use around here but..at the time it just struck everyone as extremely funny and had everyone laughing..the fight did stop after that (due to laughter taking the fights place) so.. It's all been pretty harmless for the most part. Only time it really appeared to be getting out of hand was when TT was asked to clean his room...

Me: You need to get that room cleaned up..
TT: I would love to be able to grant that request, however mother, your eyeballs..
Me: *Interrupting* Don't.. you.. dare.. finish that statement..
TT: Yes mom..I'll get it done by Monday.

So he has until Monday. They all have until Monday. Anyways, I guess that's it for now.

D

3.11.08

I tried wanted to get this all out last night..but couldn't. Too many 'eyes' around. Since all eyes are resting now, I think I'll take this time to get it out. It may seem rambled but..alot of days, *I* myself am rambled. So, here goes...

My spirituality/belief system is yet again in question. I guess it's okay. I guess there isn't anything wrong with yet again wondering 'Wha?' as far as spirituality/religion go. Call it anxiety, call it being cooped up in the house too much, call it lonliness (not having anyone to talk to, socialize with)..I've been thinking of death lately. My death. No one knows..I'd scare the shit out of them all. There's been alot of fires and buildings blowing up or exploding..whatever..and I dunno. I just have to wonder..what if? Okay so anyways, I'm kinda getting off topic, but not really. For a number of years now..definitely since the ending of marriage #1 where my faith and belief in anything was absolutely non existent...I've believed been all about the spiritual. Well, sorta. There's alot I still never understood/grasped. But..okay. For a number of years I've felt someone or something was in complete total control and if some freak accident happens to me, then it was meant to be and just let it happen. For instance..okay..last year we had the tornado here. Like, right across the street, here. Was I afraid? Actually..no. Why? Because I had decided if I was meant to die in a tornado, there was no stopping it, therefore, no reason to be all scared and worried and what have ya. Same kind of thought process goes along with if I'm at Mickey D's and some man walks in and starts shooting...if it's meant for me to die there, then it just is.

This is where the question comes in.

Is this just a cop out? Is this just laying down and playing dead so to speak? Is this giving up complete and total control over every aspect of my life? Of my being? It's definitely putting someone else in the driver's seat. But who? Is it God? A Goddess? A tree? The Earth? Some Donald Trump like dude sitting waaaaaaay up high in some office building looking down..pressing buttons on some sort of control board..laughing maniacally with each press? In the example of the man walking in the Mickey D's. Does this mean I should just stand there in a "Here I am" pose and see if he shoots..and his gun jams up? Or should I still try and hide, escape..call/text for help somehow? After all, the second option would be me possibly going against the whole if it's meant to be type thing. Or does it? Another question just popped in there. If it's truly meant to be for me to get shot..then no amount of hiding or trying to escape is gonna help me. But then again, does that mean I shouldn't try? Whoa.. I'm getting lost here. Back to trying my original point. Let's see.. And even with the tornado. It would be silly of me to walk outside and 'dare' the tornado.

Gosh, this would have sounded so much better last night. More clearer maybe. I feel like I don't have any room to breathe lately. It's getting pretty brutal. I'm gonna have to have a talk with R. Let him know ... well, things. Okay, sorry, I needed a break. Break's over..

A big part of me wonders if my whole 'what happens happens' attitude is another way of me 'excusing' myself of any wrong doing...or neglect. I chase my dog out into the street not looking or paying attention to what's coming, get hit with a car and end up with a broken leg...maybe in some sick way that would permit me not to have to say 'I got stupid, I didn't look before going into the street'. Instead, I can say 'well, I haven't had any broken bones my whole life, it was time'. Or well, not that exactly but something along the lines of .. well, something that would 'excuse' me from being stupid. Cause, ya know, heaven forbid I get stupid every now and then! Yeah..don't ask. Maybe I still want to be mad at God? Maybe I still blame Him? Maybe I want to continue blaming Him? Therefore..when something does happen, whatever it is...I can~blame him? I thought I was over all that but..maybe I'm not?

So then..how do I get over all that? If I'm not, I want to. I want to be 'in love' with God..or any Higher Power/Being for that matter. I want to know that no matter what, this ..... Spirit?.. this, Being..this, wisp of wind has got my back. And I want to have His/Her/It's back. 100% totally and completely! At this point though, I just don't exactly know who/what It/He/She is. It's just that recently.. well, okay, I know a Higher Up is in charge..and listening. I know especially when a week ago I asked for my 'eyes to be open so I can see what really is' and the very next morning..it started. Not only was I 'seeing through' R's bullshit, but colors were soooo bright and vivid. Green was actually green. Brown was brown. Blue, Red, ...clouds were actually fluffy (or wispy). Surroundings were and are just looking much more...*sigh*..not sure the word I'm looking for. Going along with that whole thought...it's also like..well, I guess I've been going through life pretty blinded for what I can only guess has been years. I say that because I can look at something so simple. So ordinary..and yet think to myself 'Wow!! That's a *bird*!!' or a tree or ....... whatever. We're not talking special birds or trees. Just a bird. Just a tree. Just a leaf even.

Okay, this is getting a bit long, and it's getting a bit..well..I have lost all sense of direction now. I guess the question is.. is the mentality of what is meant to be will be somehow me giving myself permission to just let what ever happens happens? And is that not allowing me the chance to *make* something happen? Good or bad? If it turns out bad..then I will have no responsibility for it. It was 'meant to be' after all.. On the flipside of that coin..that doesn't get me from being responsible, does it? I mean, I was responsible for sitting on my ass and letting it happen..right?

*Sigh*

So many questions. So much confusion. And I'm getting a headache. And it's past my bedtime.

Sunday, March 9, 2008

Boring title, huh? I know. However, until I am able to think up more clever, witty titles this will have to do.

First..a test. Someone told me how to strike out so I'm gonna try it . We shall see. So.. with that

Before..

After

Okay, for now, that seems to be working. I just wanted to do that in case/for when I get my 101 list together. Want to be able to strike things off as I go. Or like if I use this as my To-Do list..I can strike through things. Anyways. Okay, had more to say but i'm tired.. g'night!
D